Count THIS Blessing:

I just realized one of the MOST AWESOME things about the fact that I work full-time: My MIL can't call me all day long with inane, ridiculous questions while she's out shopping.

She just called me with such ("Could you measure Son's foot from toe to heel for me?"), but she hurried (HER version of "hurry") to get off the phone and "not bother me" at work. Thank the Good Lord.

If I wasn't working... OMG, I would be ignoring fielding calls from her every day! Probably more than once a day!!



Oh, MAN, is this a blessing.

SSDD

My mind is on a misson to defeat me. It keeps doing this thing -- this whirring, spiraling, thoughts-in-the-round THING -- that started 5 years ago. Goes like this.

1. I really want to cut this job to part-time. I don't care anymore what the co-workers would think. This would be better for ME. For our family. Let's think about it, seriously.

2. *Counting on my fingers* M, W, F, 8:00, 9 , 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, with an hour for lunch... that's 24 hours a week... is that enough? Or maybe...? Hmmm... maybe 3 ten-hour days? 30 hours? Or, should I do 5 half-days instead? But, no, that wouldn't work for daycare, I'd end up paying the same amount... hmmm. Well, okay. 30 hours.

3. Two days off a week. I could definitely make up the difference in salary with some writing jobs.

4. Or... maybe I should look into Pampered Chef in the meantime? Kindermusik? *checks those websites again* *they look a little different since it's been a few months* (I really don't want to do either of them at all, when I think about it.)

5. Anyway... the whole point is NOT to work all five days so I can do other things like keep the house, PTA, oh wait... if Daughter's only in daycare three days, she'd be with me the other 2.... hmm... I'll never get any writing done that way, except at 9:00 pm...

6. WAIT. Working 2 jobs -- because that is what it would be if I really did want to make up the salary difference, duh -- sounds just about as stressful as working full-time already is. Why bother?

7. But part-time would be such a relief... maybe I'd have time to better manage the budget, and wouldn't NEED to make up the salary... let's see... 8:00, 9, 10, 11,...

That's how it goes. I truly count out the hours on my fingers EVERY TIME. And most times, I think about, well, when Daughter starts Kindergarten then we'll be paying two Catholic school tuitions. So I guess I won't be able to work part-time then. And then shortly after that Son will be in high school, and thank goodness, because we're planning for him to attend public high school. Maybe then. But... then, of course, we'll be saving for college, and so... it just never ends.

We'll both work until we die, The End.

Hormones

I'm in that mood where I kind-of hate everyone.

Not you, of course. You're great.

But everyone else. People walk by me and I think, "What do THEY have to be smiling about?" My boss' boss asked me today, in such a nice way, "Are you happy? Liking your job?" Which is appropriate because I'm still somewhat new. I answered him... probably too enthusiastically, that YES I DO! Like my job! And then I got pissed as we went our separate ways, thinking, "He's the boss' boss, what does he expect me to say?!" I've never really like him.

Blah.

My online life is no longer private. A work colleague is now following my Tweets. And so when I wanted to tweet to all my Mommy friends about something girly, I had to censor myself.

There is no purpose to my writing it down here, except that I can. And I don't want to do any of my real work so I keep bouncing around Fb, Twtiter, blogs, to try to occupy my time.

Stupid.

Still and always - working mom

I thought that I'd made my peace with being a working mom. That I was even becoming proud to be a working mom. And that's partly true.

But the other part of me still wishes for things. I STILL catch myself thinking, "If I were a stay-at-home-mom, this is what I'd be doing today." I think that on the weekends, especially, when I'm tired and the kids are crawling all over me. This Saturday morning when I got out of the shower, I thought, "If I were a SAHM, I'd be getting ready to go out for 2 or 3 hours of ME TIME right now." When I was at dinner on Saturday night with my husband, I saw a group of ladies at the next table over. I thought, "If I were a SAHM I bet I'd go out for girls' nights a whole lot more often, like they are."

What's definitely true is that I think being a SAHM would tire me and try me WAY more than being a WOHM. So I HAVE made peace with that angle. Dealing with kids all day, every day -- without any grandparents living close by to take them for a few hours each week -- would be extraordinarily hard. So I don't really wish for it, at least not all the time.

But I still compare my actual life to the one I won't ever have.

I don't talk about it on my regular blog anymore because I don't like making Hubby feel bad about his salary level. I work so we can afford our (not extravagant) life.

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On the other side of the coin (sort-of), I had a little revelation yesterday. Well, first of all, I've had a little revelation about the job I took in February. I like it, I do. But it's hard. And as I knew, it's a grown-up job. I'm going to have to perform in this job.

I'm okay with that, for now. It's in an area of interest for me, and I'd like to excel at it. To really impress everyone and make a difference for the company, the bottom line. To feel like I could be one of the "career women" who gets profiled by Working Mother magazine at the end of the year.

But I realized I only want to excel at it for a while. Not for the rest of my life. Maybe a couple of years. Get a couple of magazine issues published, into my portfolio. Claim my work, my success.

And then, I'd like my Working Mother of the Year bio to include this noble thing: After accelerating her career as E-Business Director at XXX, she willingly took a pay cut to be able to spend more time with her children, taking on the job as [some kind of secretary] at her kids' Catholic school.

Thing is, that might actually be a possiblity. My husband's boss is set to retire in 2-ish years, and Husband is in line to take over for him. (= pay raise). To offset my noble pay cut. Our son starts Kindergarten this year, giving me just enough time to get to know folks at the school and let them know if a job opened up, I'd be interested.

I feel like it's possible that the reason I found THIS job close to home (and school) was so I could be present at the school. So I could get to know people there. Maybe, so those connections could lead to something else. You never know.

So it's is my new secret wish and prayer. Maybe silly (or too specific) but I figure God didn't say "Ask, and ye shall receive," if he didn't intend for us to try.

Oh HAI! I got the job!

Sorry people! In case anyone was curious and hasn't already linked my secret pink-apartment self to my other-bloggy self. I got the job! It's been great so far and so busy I can't even see straight - this company is constantly inventing new 'projects' and 'initiatives' and is so forward-thinking that I think they've gone in a huge circle around the world already by now. It's almost comical since my old job allowed me to KEEP TWO SEPARATE BLOGS and even read and comment on others' blogs, and I was hired because of my Internet knowledge and experience, and now OH HAI, two weeks later I haven't done any Internetting because I'm so swamped with work. Heh.

But I like it. I like the people and the place, and even the work is interesting.

Thanks for listening to me whine about and contemplate the journey it took to get me here, Constances!

Many Windows

Walking into the building, which was a 4-story, non-descript red brick in a typical office park, I felt a small pang of distress. The last time I worked in a building like this, it did not go especially well. I'm a little bit turned off by suite numbers and elevators and concierge desks, frankly, because of that experience. However, when I was welcomed with "Good morning, Ma'am," by an elderly security gentleman, I relaxed a bit. He met me at the door and held it open. Anyway, it's just an office, I told myself.

Up to the 4th floor, and to the left. And wow, how lovely. A glass front door. An enormous window behind the conference room, overlooking the one geographical feature of this part of the metro (a small but historic mountain). Natural light and air, and... it will sound like I'm kidding... laughter from inside the heart of the office. I was greeted with happiness. It felt good, there. (If it had smelled like cinnamon buns and coffee, I'd have asked someone to pinch me.)

-------

The interview went well. It was the least nervous I've been in an interview, except when they asked the age-old interview question, "What are your weaknesses?" Argh. Hate that one. I spit out my general answer - tends too much toward working alone - and I guess it sufficed. They say they're impressed, and I am, with them. I think this will be a place I can grow and learn, but also somewhere I can shine. I have knowledge that they, apparently, don't have, or haven't had in this particular position. I am anxious, eager, idea-filled, and wanting to get organized. Of course, also apprehensive. What if I don't remember things? What if I don't present them well? What if I can't execute those ideas? What if I can't stay ahead of the curve? They're not concrete or serious fears, just the nerves that accompany every new adventure.

I exited feeling confident, comfortable. I'm expecting a call tomorrow. I can do this, be part of this. I will do this. I will be happier in my work. It's something I've dreamed about and wished for, while gazing out windows, incidentally, for a long, long time.

Unfortunate Side Effect

A real problem: I have gotten so used to being lax at my current job. Especially right now; we haven't had many new projects in a while due to the economy and the normal slow-down this time of year. I have gotten really accustomed to being bored and/or reading blogs.

::Brisk Clap!:: I need a wake-up call. Time to get in gear, maybe even "read ahead;" I've been thinking about what I can start researching that's relative to the new industry. (But I'm kind-of loathe to "give up" these last few "free days." Hee.)

Am leaning FAR now toward taking it, if offered. HR Interview Thursday.