Still and always - working mom

I thought that I'd made my peace with being a working mom. That I was even becoming proud to be a working mom. And that's partly true.

But the other part of me still wishes for things. I STILL catch myself thinking, "If I were a stay-at-home-mom, this is what I'd be doing today." I think that on the weekends, especially, when I'm tired and the kids are crawling all over me. This Saturday morning when I got out of the shower, I thought, "If I were a SAHM, I'd be getting ready to go out for 2 or 3 hours of ME TIME right now." When I was at dinner on Saturday night with my husband, I saw a group of ladies at the next table over. I thought, "If I were a SAHM I bet I'd go out for girls' nights a whole lot more often, like they are."

What's definitely true is that I think being a SAHM would tire me and try me WAY more than being a WOHM. So I HAVE made peace with that angle. Dealing with kids all day, every day -- without any grandparents living close by to take them for a few hours each week -- would be extraordinarily hard. So I don't really wish for it, at least not all the time.

But I still compare my actual life to the one I won't ever have.

I don't talk about it on my regular blog anymore because I don't like making Hubby feel bad about his salary level. I work so we can afford our (not extravagant) life.

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On the other side of the coin (sort-of), I had a little revelation yesterday. Well, first of all, I've had a little revelation about the job I took in February. I like it, I do. But it's hard. And as I knew, it's a grown-up job. I'm going to have to perform in this job.

I'm okay with that, for now. It's in an area of interest for me, and I'd like to excel at it. To really impress everyone and make a difference for the company, the bottom line. To feel like I could be one of the "career women" who gets profiled by Working Mother magazine at the end of the year.

But I realized I only want to excel at it for a while. Not for the rest of my life. Maybe a couple of years. Get a couple of magazine issues published, into my portfolio. Claim my work, my success.

And then, I'd like my Working Mother of the Year bio to include this noble thing: After accelerating her career as E-Business Director at XXX, she willingly took a pay cut to be able to spend more time with her children, taking on the job as [some kind of secretary] at her kids' Catholic school.

Thing is, that might actually be a possiblity. My husband's boss is set to retire in 2-ish years, and Husband is in line to take over for him. (= pay raise). To offset my noble pay cut. Our son starts Kindergarten this year, giving me just enough time to get to know folks at the school and let them know if a job opened up, I'd be interested.

I feel like it's possible that the reason I found THIS job close to home (and school) was so I could be present at the school. So I could get to know people there. Maybe, so those connections could lead to something else. You never know.

So it's is my new secret wish and prayer. Maybe silly (or too specific) but I figure God didn't say "Ask, and ye shall receive," if he didn't intend for us to try.